Teddy V. Angel
(This is posted in my blog in the interest of fairness, equality, justice and world peace. He dedicates his ruminations twelve years ago to those who are fortunate enough to have remained bachelors all these years and to men similarly castigated. Did I say castigated? Freudian slip. I meant situated.)
” I do not, for the life of me understand why at the mere mention of the word ‘wedding’ and the slightest hint of it, I get palpitations. Sometimes it could get worse or overpowering, I’d faint.
I have heard it countless times: marriage being pure bliss (why one has to roll his eyes while saying this I could not fathom), this being an enviable, inviolable rite- a blushing bride resplendent in her immaculate white silk, tulle and taffeta bridal gown, glassy eyed as she walks down the aisle to meet her equally dapper but anxious groom who sweeps her off her feet. And kisses her, sometimes, passionately.
Well you know what happens next. (They go to the reception, dirty minds).
As of now, I am spared all these. Despite the carnival atmosphere during weddings (most of the time courtesy of the bride’s family. Joke!) and the hullabaloo in praise of domestic tranquility by settling down for good, I’d rather be restless and unsettled. After all, don’t we don’t we all want to be carefree, happy go lucky and eligible for late nights out with the boys, go home the next morning guilt free?
So to the fast vanishing breed of bachelors, here are some rules to follow if you want to live, live longer and live well. That is, by remaining single as long as you can.
First cardinal rule: Do not, I repeat, do not trust women especially if it is leap year.
Second cardinal rule: Do not buy the crap about modern day feminism which gave them the right to chase and catch the man of their dreams. How do they do it? In ways both simple and complex, covert and overt, subtle to ingenious you would even think you’re doing the chasing.
Beware of these lines: Got two tickets to the LA Lakers game, are you free Friday night?’ While she may give the tickets for free, you may end up footing the bill for the wedding bells.
Third cardinal rule: Do not fall for her crocodile tears.
She might cry buckets of tears in the hope that you would drown in them. This is called appeal to pity.
Not that I have a warped notion of married life. There’s nothing like a soothing back rub coming home from work.
And that is exactly why I am taking my time and thinking about it a hundred times. I do not want to suffer the fate of Socrates. Remember his philosophizing? ‘By all means marry. If you get a good wife you’re lucky. If you get a bad one, at least you become a philosopher.’
Fourth cardinal rule: Do not mind her hints.
My girlfriend advocates this tactic. She starts by telling me she’s been a bridesmaid to a friend’s wedding which occurs almost every week. How many best friend’s wedding could one get? Or sometimes she is this and that to her younger sisters’ wedding. When she ran out of weddings to attend, she recites a litany of baby showers, baptisms and children’s parties she’s been invited to by couples whose weddings she attended ages ago.
I don’t really blame her. We’ve been together for almost seven years. In the race to the altar and finish line of marital bliss, I’ve not exactly been doing a fun run but brisk walking through molasses.
Fifth cardinal rule: Do believe her when she says she has given up karate lessons and switched to practical shooting in the firing range.
While you lose your bachelorhood this way, at least you keep your life and stay painfully alive.
Now if you would excuse me, I have a wedding to attend.